Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Just Keep Waiting, Waiting, Waiting ...

I've been wanting to post a baby update but I've honestly been a little afraid of the feedback. It's been my experience over the last nine months that people are very opinionated and often critical of others when it comes to pregnancy, birthing, and parenting. I belong to this baby board and you would not believe how cruel women could be to each other. It's supposed to be a safe haven for people to share their concerns, fears, complaints, joys, positive stories, etc. but there is an incredible amount of judgement there. It's really too bad. I've just decided to lay it all out here because I want to be able to document our pregnancy/birth story in this way for myself and my family.

Last month I posted this pregnancy update. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I've felt a combination of excited, happy, anxious, and frustrated. I've been having practice surges for several weeks and Benjamin has been in position for well over a month. At my 38 week appointment last week I was 70% effaced and 2 cm dilated. I learned in my HypnoBirthing class that these numbers are really just a guesstimate as each physician is going to measure differently. Makes perfect sense but nonetheless I could not be more excited! I really felt like he would be here at any moment and was worried and anxious that Ben wouldn't make it on time.

I've been taking EPO (evening primrose oil) since 37 weeks (full term) as well as walking and bouncing on my exercise ball. Wednesday my surges were lasting long and were frequent enough that I began timing them. They were consistently lasting about a minute long every 15-20 minutes for several hours so Ben booked his flight out here from Atlanta for the next day. I can't tell you how excited I was (and am to have him here)! The plan was for me and my mom to pick him up from the airport Thursday morning unless I wasn't able to. Everything slowed down and we picked him up just before lunch time. I've been hearing and reading about things that naturally induce labor (if your baby is ready to come) and one of those things is to eat Eggplant Parmesan. After the airport my mom took us to Olive Garden for lunch and I had some. There was a lot of positive energy and excitement those first few days.

I was pretty uncomfortable and was glad to feel that things were progressing. I felt totally ready for Benjamin to be born! Friday and Saturday I decided that I would try anything to get things moving and I really did. I even drank castor oil in a smoothie and that was not fun at all. By Sunday morning I was feeling very defeated and guilty that Ben had flown out two days earlier than he'd intended. He can only miss so much of work and I want him to be able to spend time with our son before he has to leave. He's been amazing about the whole thing, reminding me all the time to relax and that Benjamin will come when he's ready. I know everyone is super anxious to meet him (no one more than me!) as evident by all of the calls, emails, texts, etc. It's a lot of pressure, everyone asking me when he's going to come. I'm wondering the same, believe me! :)

Monday was my 39 week appointment and after my exam my doctor said that no progress had been made. As soon as the door closed I melted into a puddle. I feel bad for being emotional or stressed about this for even one minute. I want to be able to relax the entire time and let things happen however they do. If Ben and I are blessed with more children I vow for things to be this way. With circumstances the way they are now I feel like we're on a time table and that's what stresses me out sometimes.

I know that our baby is healthy and continuing to grow and that's what matters most. God has a perfect plan for how and when we'll get to meet him and I need to keep remembering that. The last few days I've really just enjoyed the company of Ben and my family - watching movies together, going to the movies together, walking the mall, walking the neighborhood, eating good food, being silly together, doing zumba on the wii, working on projects, planning future projects. All good things. Every moment I'm trying to focus on that moment. What is to be will be and I really am excited!